Autumn arrives in the air all of the sudden
Nodding to me it’s time, she advances
The horizon will darken, trees age in a day
Fruit molds and drops, our garden dies back
Too old to mourn the ending summer, I turn,
Flush red and gold, mature fast as a sapling
When night comes early I am ready to greet her
Shedding my guilt like a snakeskin, or leaves
All fall down, together under a turning sky
We recognize that growth has many faces
You made me feel important; now I realize I am worthy of life without your validation.
You told me you were on my side; now I understand that you preyed upon my loneliness.
You told me you would die without me; now I see you took advantage of my empathy.
You tried to shut me off from life; now I am thriving without you.
it’s easy waking up early now
to the sun in my curtains
not thinking immediately
of your voice and all the ways
you wronged me
but to linger
over fresh coffee and fruit
and the plans of the day
and the knowledge
that good things are yet to come
A big “fuck that” to thinking that I deserve to be miserable.
Hey ya’ll, it’s time again to take a break from my blog.
I’ll be writing, but not for anyone but myself.
Time to focus on me.
Even YouTube is telling me to change something.
Thanks a ton, YouTube.
And Hell no, I don’t feel selfish about it.
See you on the flip side.
I am feeling a little better right now.
It’s like catching a glimpse of a flickering candle down a long, dark hallway.
I want so badly to hold onto this light.
I want so badly to feel better.
I am throwing myself into doubt, the unknown, the darkness.
Please help me…
Friends, universe, Wakan, that which we cannot understand.
I have to believe in you, or I will have nothing left.
I’ve been walking a tightrope between life and death,
waiting to see on which side I will fall.
I’ve become so wilted, anguished and bereft,
tangled up in your miserable thrall.
A ladder of scars ascends my sharp ribs,
each rung marking a body filled with pain.
I cannot climb down now that I’ve reached the top;
the winds howl for my soul in seductive refrain.
The decision lies now in my quaking two feet,
whether I’m to fight on or surrender.
All alone high above tiny houses and streets,
I realize I’m the only contender.
It is time for me to let go.
To venture into the frightening unknown. Time to give up my control. Things get worse before they get better. Time to let go of unhealthy patterns, sleepless nights, and abusing my body. I want to get better…
I’m heading into one of the most terrifying places I’ve ever been to. And I have been to a few. I have held hands with anorexia and listened to my heartbeat slow. I have slept on the streets in the rain, made my bed in a drainage ditch, and walked the city streets alone at night. And now I am headed somewhere new — to solitude, the unknown.
I saw this quote yesterday on a journal in a gift shop:
I was quite convinced that it was written for very depressed people like myself. And that got me down. This fuckin’ rainstorm, man. What if it lasts for way too long? Like for months? Rationally, I understood the sentiment behind it, but couldn’t connect it at all to my life. And that made me feel like a failure.
No, it’s not about learning to dance in the rain.
It’s about understanding that no matter how furious the rainstorm, something will provide me shelter eventually. To know I’m not alone, ever. No one can do this alone. I must realize that as I’m entering darkness, the universe will illuminate my footsteps.