My therapist used to observe that I sometimes seemed to be afflicted with “existential boredom.” As someone with introverted, quiet, mellow tendencies, I don’t often crave noise and excitement. I can keep myself occupied and entertained quite easily. In other words, I don’t often get bored.
However, I do find myself feeling like there is no excitement or meaning in my life. The things I do (though I am currently serving 45 hours a week or more with AmeriCorps) seem to hold no significance. The years left in my life appear to stretch out before me, monotonous and never-ending. The future overwhelms me. When I begin to feel down, I do not see that I hold any value for this world. My existence seems dull, pointless.
It’s difficult to articulate how crushing this feeling is, especially when I haven’t felt it in a while. One day I can feel just fine. I feel optimistic about my future, even. And the next… falling into a black hole and clawing at the sides as I try to stay not to sink further.
Part of it is having a lot of free time on my hands. I work long days but when the weekend rolls around, if I don’t have enough plans, I crumble. I crave free time, but when faced with it, I panic. Sometimes I feel like I am constantly trying to keep my mind and body busy so I can run away from the depression. Some days are harder than others. Today is a hard day.
Can anyone else relate to existential boredom? Does anyone else struggle when they find themselves with a lot of free time?
Why did you leave me that night
terrified, all alone in that big house
sloppy and stumbling and then throwing up
and not remembering and chewing pills
and taking long gulps of gin and vodka, why
did you leave, how could you?
And when she asked, “Resolved?”
I said yes.
And she marked it down on the chart then
said, as an afterthought
“I guess those things are never really resolved though.”
i eat without tasting
look without seeing
talk without saying
and dragging down
to that dark place
where i hide
where things go to die
I peer over the edge, feet planted
firmly on rock.
Where did this fear come from?
My hands quiver. I worry
I will fall straight off the face of the Earth.
I am scared I will fly into the abyss,
in my panicking.
My knees knock with fright.
It’s hard to look up at all the mountain peaks
surrounding me, even though they are
so beautiful, so majestic.
Hard to breathe.
Hard to swallow.
My heart is racing.
I used to be able to do this.
Now I feel unsafe.
I try to breathe deep and slow,
fight the urge to cling to the meager,
scrappy weeds pushing up through the granite.
But if I sit down,
the sky might crush me.
I might not be able to get up ever again.
Tears start to drop from my cheeks
more quickly. I’m frustrated.
So frustrated that I can’t do this.
I want to be okay.
I want to feel comfortable here.
I can’t stop sobbing
and feeling helpless.
Why do I feel unsafe
when there is stable ground beneath my feet?
Throw open the curtains of fear and doubt–
your eyes take in your future as they look out.
The window glass heavy and tainted with time,
the Three Fates are weaving line after line.
Breathe in bright hope and hold your lungs full,
for resignation calls out with a leaded-hand pull.
Ask fire from your lovers and strength from your friends,
for none of us knows if this fear ever ends.
I get so scared to let new people into my life because relationships affect me so profoundly and so quickly. I’m afraid I’ll be hurt and the other person will be left indifferent and unaffected. I’m afraid I don’t matter to people. Maybe this is depression getting inside my head. I’ve believed this for a long time and always felt the need to have significant others prove their love to me. Sometimes I try to pretend I’m indifferent because I’m afraid of showing vulnerability. I’ve become vulnerable and been hurt badly before, sometimes in ways that were unfair and unequal.
I thought I was ready to start dating again and to look for a partner but I feel like this has reopened a rift in my happiness, security, and confidence. I want to let others into my life and to trust them, but I don’t feel comfortable. Quite the opposite. My insecurities and doubts about my self-worth have all come flooding back in an instant.
I’ve been trying to uncover my core beliefs and cognitions that are causing me to break down but I can’t seem to so far.
I’ve collected these from around the Internet and adapted them to resonate with me.
Please use them if you find them helpful!
-I don’t need to fight my anxiety. It is just a habit my body reacts to. I will find feelings of peace, security, and confidence and accept them.
-I am capable of solving any problems I face.
-This might seem difficult right now, but it will become easier and easier over time.
-Everything I need comes to me at the right time.
-Pushing myself outside of my comfort zone brings me amazing opportunities.
-I let go of the judgements I make about myself, and others will do the same.
And my favorite…
–I can do this. I am a badass boss bitch!
Credits: http://www.dumblittleman.com ; https://www.powerofpositivity.com ; http://www.anxietynetwork.com