Earth spin slowly
rats racing home
mind a tangle
heart pumping fast
I, acute angle
into my sorrow
before I break open
a fresh smile
Last night I became a paint-eyed doll with a broken leg.
You can fix human limbs but not doll limbs,
because we are only made of porcelain, which doesn’t fuse back together.
We stood in the drunk crowd, tired, and listened.
Angel songs of passion, drugs, and God spilled into us.
I swayed against you to the melody, asking for love in the only way I know how,
fumbling for something to take my breath away with its sheer beauty.
I listened to save my life, or to give me reason not to.
We dreamed of lighting cigarettes against the persistent wind,
of driving to the coast and watching the city lights flicker like a mirage.
At least that’s what I was dreaming of. Were you?
My leg broke in place of my heart, because I needed something tangible,
and I fell hard on the concrete when life shoved me.
No hospitals or casts or prescriptions for me.
Eyes glazed over emerald and my body hardened like glass.
I chop off my hair.
It is ragged and uneven and looks horrible but I need this.
I hack pieces of my femininity off
and watch it fall into the trash bin.
I don’t give a shit.
Nothing touches me.
I smear on makeup never worn before. Taint my skin & dirty my eyes.
Angry at the world, untouchable.
My boyfriend won’t like this but fuck that.
He asks if I still have hair, because it matters to him.
Angry at norms and expectations.
I am restricted by regulations.
I wonder if my anger grows from my depression, insidiously twisting towards others.
I try not to lash out.
Friendships recede into the past, good times setting over the horizon.
I wonder if I will see them again.
Is this adulthood? Are these the celebrated college years?
I try hard not to fixate on the daydreams about my death.
I’m trying to find a place
where I won’t be lonely. I’m trying
to find a place where I can be myself.
I’ve been looking for a long time for somewhere
people will understand me.
I’m trying to find a person
who I won’t be lonely with. I’m trying
to find a person I can show myself to.
I’ve been looking for a long time for this person,
and I know the search will last a while
have you seen happiness? I think
I lost it. Have you happened upon a smile?
I think I forgot mine, a few years ago. On a shelf
in a closet, when I was thirteen.
Can you show me where my
laughter ran away to?