I get so scared to let new people into my life because relationships affect me so profoundly and so quickly. I’m afraid I’ll be hurt and the other person will be left indifferent and unaffected. I’m afraid I don’t matter to people. Maybe this is depression getting inside my head. I’ve believed this for a long time and always felt the need to have significant others prove their love to me. Sometimes I try to pretend I’m indifferent because I’m afraid of showing vulnerability. I’ve become vulnerable and been hurt badly before, sometimes in ways that were unfair and unequal.
I thought I was ready to start dating again and to look for a partner but I feel like this has reopened a rift in my happiness, security, and confidence. I want to let others into my life and to trust them, but I don’t feel comfortable. Quite the opposite. My insecurities and doubts about my self-worth have all come flooding back in an instant.
I’ve been trying to uncover my core beliefs and cognitions that are causing me to break down but I can’t seem to so far.