Things Have Been Hard

P1020048

A pencil drawing with watercolor that I made a few years ago. I need someone to hold my hand when I feel so small and hopeless.

Yesterday I was diagnosed with Bipolar II. Yippee!
It doesn’t mean much to me. I know what I’ve been feeling for many years, and I see how it has only gotten worse over time. A new diagnosis doesn’t change that. Things have been hard lately. In the past few months, I’ve had so many medication changes and so many emotions stirred up in counseling that I feel nothing is stable.

I have been acting on some very self-destructive urges in the last few days, and my roommates are very worried and stressed out about it. I didn’t want them to treat me differently, but I wanted to be truthful and so I told them about things. Now I feel that I am on suicide watch.

I have been falling behind in school. I think I can make it to the end of the quarter, as there are only 3 more weeks, but my grades will be less than outstanding. All the work seems trivial at this point.

I have no appetite, but because of my history with restricting food and starving myself, I force myself to eat. Nothing sounds good. There have been a lot of almond butter and jelly sandwiches.

My support system is willing to listen at any time… but it feels futile. Talking can only do so much. I feel that no one can give me what I want.

What is there to do? I’m so very tired of this.

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12 thoughts on “Things Have Been Hard

  1. This is a beautiful drawing; it shows a great talent! 🙂
    I am sad to read this, I couldn’t even press a “like” (how could I) it breaks my heart! I can’t offer anything except a few words for which I hope will find their way to your heart. I will be praying for you. I believe God the Creator of all living things is a healer. May his Light and Love surround you today and every day and may all the darkness you’re experiencing depart and never find its way back to you.
    With Much Love,
    Sibella

    • I hope that I can begin to see the light and healing in the universe again soon. I have seen it before and want to believe in it still. Thank you so much for your prayers and love. ❤

  2. Sending my love i have 2 beautiful sons diagnosed with a similiar thing one at 13 the other 6mnths later at 15.. 15yrs later one went on to become head student of his college and now has 2 diplomas,one in sport an rec the other in horticulture and level 5 computer studies.. The other is now a peer support specialist working in mental health services here in nz..Both went thru severe side affects with 5 other medications and had 2 remain in hospital 4 a whole year away from family and friends.They are now amazing role models in the community regardless of how society tries to stigmatize those who have mental health issues they remain tall poppies.9yrs ago miss stilletto lost her husband my sons amaszing dad to clinical depression.So we have also walked the walk as well.My only daughter graduated with 8 academic awards at college the year her dad died and then went on to university and graduated with honors.God bless all those who have been down that road we walk together.

    • Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me. It always gives me hope knowing that others have made it through the dark and are happy, healthy survivors. So sorry to hear about your husband. That must have been extremely painful.
      Thank you for your thoughts in this hard time, I really appreciate it.

  3. Hi Kari. You are a beautiful, intelligent, talented young lady with a great future ahead of you. You are at a detour in your life, but it is not a road with a no exit sign. It is a road taking you on a tour through a different part of life than you anticipated or would have planned for yourself.
    In spite of how you feel, remember that your support group is always there for you, willing to do whatever it takes to help. Self harm is never a good solution for anyone. You mentioned you have acted on self destructive urges recently. I hope nothing too serious resulted, although any kind of self harm is serious.
    Please reach out, call out to friends and support group friends whenever you feel that way. You have much to offer others, and when you come out the other end of this tunnel, you will be able to help and influence others in a positive manner.
    You are loved Kari, by many you know personally, as well as by we who are on this blog with you.
    I am praying that the Light of Jesus Christ will shine on your life, and your life’s path, to give you guidance. Praying also that the Spirit of Jesus will give you His Peace, and enable you to see clearly, and to know the Wisdom of God.
    Praying you will also think clearly during these last three weeks of school, and you will act in healthy ways.
    God’s Blessingd Kari, please take care of yourself, and keep in touch.

      • You will succeed in whatever you set your mind to Kari, with God’s Strength and direction. We know “All things are possible with God”. And also:
        And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. – Philippians 4:19
        I can do all things through him who strengthens me. – Philippians 4:13
        And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. – Philippians 1:6

        These few Scripture verses came to mind for you just now Kari. I trust The Holy Spirit will minister great blessings to you. God Bless you and give you a peaceful night.

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