There is a muted acceptance for me today, in the boiling sun. I recognize that life will not always pan out according to the way I’ve planned. I realize that we can all utterly break down at any moment, and cease to work, just like any old kitchen appliance. In this way we are the same; we all die.
But there is another way to see it. We can make the choice to see others as vast and meaningful. Every person is a collection of thoughts and experiences, love and loss. We are more similar than we are different.
I can reach out, willing to listen and accept, or I can retreat to hibernate under my covers until I feel brave and confident. But that day may never come, or I will convince myself of this. There are the easy things, and there are the right things.
There are also a lot of silly words that get in the way, and many unkind thoughts. I’m tired of gritting my teeth and grinding my jaw. I must face what I feel.
They say that depression is anger turned inward. Turning it inside out is difficult, and I can’t justify hurting another person in the ways I’ve injured myself. I have to treat them with kindness, not just with overt actions, but with caring thoughts.
I see the irony here.
Being a rebel without a cause doesn’t appeal to me. I have no vengeance on this world; I only want its forgiveness and to make the right choices from now on.
Why anger? Sadness was easier. Sadness is easier for me to gather inside my chest and appreciate the weight. Anger plows straight through my most sensible thoughts.
Why anger, when people have told me they could never picture me being angry?
You’re so mellow.
I could wish for this burden to lift, but I know confronting it will benefit me in the long run. We are always capable of more than we realize.