Three years ago I was starving myself into a shell. My body was an enemy and I was empty. Three years ago I was miserable, but did not yet want to die. Three years ago I had just met Connor, and was already crushed with love. We knew what was to happen.
Two years ago I enrolled in a creative writing class. Finally I admitted something to myself. Two years ago I sat before my parents’ computer, because I didn’t have my own. Two years ago I did not feel guilty about my privilege. My head was lighter.
One year ago I believed myself to have a writer’s soul. One year ago words dripped from my fingers onto the keyboard. I knew I had talent. One year ago I was finished with Connor, and Nick had just shattered me. I was reeling.
Nine months ago I started a fresh chapter. Nine months ago I drove to a different city and laid down roots, but not too deep. My time was spent cooking or writing or dreaming.
Six months ago my compass wavered. Six months ago I met Landon and he disappeared. Six months ago I deliberated between the pills, the belt, the knife.
Three months ago I was trying. I wanted to spend more time outside. Three months ago Noah showed me his patience. I was trying.
One month ago I visited my parents. My mother asked me what was wrong.
Yesterday I made one last decision.
This reflection is partly autobiographical, and partly fictional. I wanted to portray how suicide is not always an impulsive, reckless choice made in the moment. In fact, suicidal thoughts can plague someone for years before they decide to act on them. In reference to the idea that “suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem”– depression, as well, can last for years or even a lifetime. To those suffering from depression or another chronic mental illness, it may not appear to be a temporary problem that they have been experiencing and are up against. Please choose your words carefully when discussing suicide. At present, I am not suicidal or in a crisis, but just needed to write about some issues I’ve personally encountered. Additionally, it is not my intention to glamorize suicide or mental illness, but to offer them a voice. If you need help right now, please reach out to someone. People truly do care, and you will not always feel this way.