WANTED: Experienced Reassurer and Mind-Easer

Seeking a professional reassurer with experience in doubt and fear removal. You will be the objective, rational voice for a highly anxious individual. The ideal candidate would demonstrate a calm and soothing demeanor at all times, with quick, accurate answers to questions such as “My life has begun to feel so dull and meaningless lately and I think I’m just going to waste everything I’ve been given, including $50,000 at the University… AAHH what do I do?!” and “Is this dress too tight in the middle? I think I’ve gained weight. Oh god, I look like I’m pregnant. I can’t go to my brother’s wedding tonight in this, I’ll just go for a 13-mile run instead,” and “It’s 4 PM and I just drank a green tea with 70 mg of caffeine, is that too much to drink this late in the day? If I’m up all night I’m going to be so cranky at work tomorrow,” and “Do you think my brother hates me for missing his wedding? His wife doesn’t like me either and now I’m probably never going to meet my nephews! What’s wrong with me and why am I so unloveable?” 2+ years experience in crisis aversion or young adult counseling preferred. Opportunity for advancement to client’s nurse/psychiatrist/therapist/tissue provider/shoulder to cry on/body pillow. Compensation is $11.25-14.25/hr DOE, as well as biannual vacations with the client to a “rest and relaxation retreat”. 135-168 hrs/wk depending on client’s needs and erratic sleep schedule. Please send resumé and references to MyLyfsuXX@aol.com to begin the preliminary screening process. We ask for a 10-year commitment to start with, as the client has abandonment issues.

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2 thoughts on “WANTED: Experienced Reassurer and Mind-Easer

  1. I’d like to send over my application. I’ve got over 200 years of experience with alleviating anxieties and feelings of paranoia. I offer a sense of smoothness, with a hint of nuttiness to add a little bit of character. The 10 year commitment is no problem. All I ask for is a little cubicle in a cabinet and instead of an hourly rate, perhaps a rate per ounces would be a little more appropriate. My references can attest that I moonlight as a therapist, but you should not operate heavy machinery when I’m around.

    Looking forward to hearing from you,
    Jameson (Irish Whiskey)

    • Congratulations! We are pleased to offer you this position and are overjoyed that you will be joining our team! Please start immediately (within the next hour). You will need to provide your own glassware.
      Your references seemed to be divided on whether or not your services were socially acceptable, but the background check came through clean. Past clients have described you as refined and mature. Our only concern was due to one client’s feelings of regret, guilt, and even nausea after a session with you. We’ll be discussing this with you at a later date.

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